Date Created: 2023-11-07
By: 16BitMiker
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Whether you're running a Linux kernel patch review, debugging a tricky Perl module with a colleague, or discussing priorities during a sprint planning session, communication is everything. But when tension rises or misunderstandings creep in, even the most technically adept teams can hit roadblocks.
That’s where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) comes in. Originally developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is a structured yet human process for speaking and listening that emphasizes empathy, honesty, and connection over blame, assumptions, or judgment. It's a practical skill that can transform how we relate to others—especially in high-stakes or high-stress environments like open source development or tech startups.
In this post, we’ll explore the four core components of NVC, dive into supporting practices like empathy and self-awareness, and offer a few examples tailored to tech professionals.
At its heart, NVC follows a simple and powerful sequence:
Describe what’s happening—factually and without evaluation.
Instead of:
“You’re always late to meetings.”
Try:
“In the last three meetings, you joined after the scheduled start time.”
This distinction matters. When we mix observation with evaluation (like saying "always" or "never"), we invite defensiveness. Observation aims to establish common ground—a shared reality we can all agree on.
Name how you feel in response to what you observed.
“I feel frustrated and anxious when meetings start late.”
This step can be tricky in tech environments, where emotional expression is often minimized or viewed as irrelevant. But feelings are signals—real-time indicators of how our needs are being met or unmet. Naming them helps us stay grounded and authentic.
💡 Tip: Avoid mixing feelings with thoughts.
“I feel ignored” is often a thought or interpretation.
“I feel sad and disconnected” gets us closer to the emotional truth.
Identify the values or needs behind the feelings.
“I need reliability and shared commitment so we can make good use of our limited time.”
Needs are universal: connection, autonomy, clarity, efficiency, belonging, respect, etc. They’re the bridge between feeling and action. By naming needs, we move from blame to mutual understanding.
Make a clear, doable request (not a demand) that could help meet those needs.
“Would you be willing to set a reminder 10 minutes before our next meeting?”
Requests should be specific and actionable. They create space for dialogue rather than expectation. And critically, they should leave room for the other person to say no—or to offer an alternative.
Beyond the core model, NVC encourages a few key habits that help sustain healthy communication.
When someone else is speaking, try to hear their observations, feelings, needs, and requests—whether or not they’re using NVC language. The goal isn’t to fix or debate, but to understand.
“Sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed because you need more clarity around your role. Is that right?”
This kind of listening can defuse tension and help people feel seen, which builds trust over time.
Before you speak—or even respond mentally—pause and check in with yourself. What are you feeling? What need is alive in you? Are you grounded enough to speak from that place?
Practicing self-empathy helps prevent reactive spirals and lets us respond with intention.
Honesty in NVC isn’t about stating “hard truths” or asserting opinions—it’s about expressing what’s real for you without judgment.
“When the code is pushed to main without review, I feel uneasy because I value shared responsibility and code quality.”
This kind of honesty invites collaboration rather than defensiveness.
In fast-paced tech environments, it’s tempting to jump straight to solving the problem. But NVC encourages us to first slow down and build connection.
When people feel heard, they’re more likely to engage productively. When needs are understood, solutions tend to emerge more organically.
Frame requests in terms of what you do want—not what you don’t want.
Instead of:
“Stop interrupting me.”
Try:
“Could you wait until I finish speaking before responding?”
Positive language keeps the focus on possibilities and collaboration.
NVC teaches that no one causes your feelings—they’re a response to your needs being met or unmet. By owning your feelings, you reduce blame and increase agency.
“I feel disappointed because I was hoping for more clarity”
(instead of “You made me feel confused.”)
Be cautious with language that classifies, labels, or judges. Statements like “That’s a dumb idea” or “You’re being irrational” are likely to trigger defensiveness and shut down communication.
Instead, aim for observations and curiosity:
“I’m not following the logic here—can you walk me through the steps again?”
Let’s say you’re working on a distributed team, and a colleague keeps force-pushing to a shared Git branch, breaking your local changes. You’re frustrated, but you want to handle it constructively.
Using NVC:
Observation: “I noticed you force-pushed to the dev branch yesterday, and I had to rebase my local changes.”
Feelings: “I feel frustrated and a bit anxious.”
Needs: “Because I value stability in our workflow and want to avoid merge conflicts.”
Request: “Would you be willing to use feature branches and open pull requests instead?”
This approach respects both parties and focuses on shared goals.
Nonviolent Communication isn’t a magic spell—it’s a practice. It takes effort, especially in environments where efficiency is prized over emotional nuance. But for tech professionals juggling complexity, deadlines, and diverse personalities, NVC offers a toolkit for building healthier, more collaborative relationships.
It’s especially powerful in open source communities, where contributors may never meet face-to-face—and where trust and empathy can make or break long-term engagement.
Whether you're debugging a system or debugging a relationship, NVC encourages us to stay curious, stay human, and keep the lines of communication open.
Feeling inspired to try NVC at your next code review or team meeting? Let me know how it goes—or what tricky situations you'd like help translating into NVC-style dialogue.